For the most part, for the past few years or so anyway, I've been living what I consider to be a "good" life. I'm married, so no Naughty sins, I don't drink much, I don't do drugs, I don't steal. That kind of thing.
But over the past few weeks or so, the more I learn about the Catholic church, the worse I feel about "sin." There are principles that I've learned about the Catholic church where my mind is having a serious wrestling match. My uber-liberal mind is going, "Ok, now you know that's silly." But my Catholic mind is saying, "Ok, but it also makes sense in quite a few ways. Isn't it possible it's not all right (or all wrong)?"
It's even embarrasing for me to admit how my mind is changing. I feel like my outside is still the same, but my inside is doing a 83 degree turn (not quite 180, but still making changes). It's odd because I feel like I'm almost having a secret life, away from my co-workers, my friends, even my husband to some extent. I've only told three people I'm going to a Catholic church - my husband, my best friend, and a good friend at work. That's it. And only my husband knows about RCIA and my intentions of learning much more about the church.
I feel so comfortable at church. I really enjoy hearing the homily and going through the rituals at Mass. I even like the Latin mass they have at St. Jude's chapel on Saturday, where I'm not totally sure what's going on. But I'm trying to learn.
I've seen some argumentative things about the church (pre vs post Vatican II, for example, and the Tridentine vs Novus Ordo). But it seems to be within the Catholic church, and all seem to still support the Pope and the Catechism, even if they don't support the changes. Other than those minor problems, I've had an excellent time learning about things.
I only hope that my change is not so drastic I start to scare the people who I care about the most. I know if any of my closest friends had made the changes I'm making at any point, I'd be seriously concerned. Well, I say that, but my best friend and his boyfriend have started to go to church every week, and there's pictures of Christ and crosses all over his house now. Of course, his church is MUCH more "liberal" than the Catholic churches I have been attending. I'm just happy he's found a church where he feels happy. And his boyfriend seems to really like the church, too.