New Articles of Faith revealed at last!

There's some pretty funny people over at the Salamander Society, and they have some really funny submissions for their Salamander Awards. The funniest winner of the 2005 Salamander Awards is the section entitled "New Articles of Faith revealed at last!" by Deconstructor. There's four different versions of the New Articles, so please check out their web site and see the other three.

(For those Catholics who read this blog and don't know what the Articles of Faith are, they are basically a creed of sorts, that tell the basic and principal teachings of the church. Go read the page on this link, and then read the rest of the post. And floss. That's good advice, too. Floss every day. And look both ways before you cross the street. But I digress. Onto the hillarity!)

The Articles of Faith, Now With 10% More Disclosure

1. We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. God lives on a planet near a star named Kolob. But there are lots of other Gods, too. We aren't sure if our God is the oldest God, or the most powerful, or not. I don't know that we teach that. By the way, you can be a God too, if you give God some of your money (give it to us, we'll pass it on) and do everything we say God wants you to do for the rest of your life.

2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's transgression. We also believe that God sometimes commands us to sin, or at least puts us in situations where sinning is necessary to fulfill God's purposes. Also, some sins aren't sins if you are doing them to help God's church. Also, you might be punished for other people's transgressions (like Cain, if you have dark skin, or Eve, if you are a woman) but not for Adam's. Whew!

3. We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel. Well, they may be saved, but only if they obey the laws and ordinances, which are changing almost all the time. They change kind of slowly, so sometimes no one notices, and WE sure as heck don't call attention to it.

4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost. There are a lot of other ordinances and principles, too, but if we mention them up front, no one would ever join our church. They'd think we were some kind of whacked-out cult. But we aren't. And if you ask us specifically about some of the bizarre things we think are part of the 'gospel', we will lie about it; but that's okay (see Article 2).

5. We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof. Only our Church has this authority. If you are in another church, you aren't called by God, you don't have his authority, and your ordinances won't save you. We will tell you that we don't think people from other religions are going to hell, but we only say that because we think you might become a Mormon later in this life, or after you die. If you don't, you are going to hell, no doubt about it. Well, Mormon-Hell. It's actually pretty nice, but you live in eternal regret of not being mormon.

6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth. Well, we don't have pastors, or evangelists, per se, but still, it is the same as Christ's church. Well, we change our organization a lot, actually, for good reasons, but whatever the current version is, it MUST have been the same way back in Christ's church, because we said the two are the same. And they are. And always will be, no matter how much they change.

7. We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth. Well, not the speaking in tongues thing anymore. That's freaky-weird. But now we say that learning a foreign language (even if we don't speak it very well) is the gift of tongues. Oh, and prophecy doesn't mean predicting things correctly, it just means being inspired about something, usually a new Church program, or a new rule about earrings or knee-length shorts.

8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God. By 'translated correctly', we mean not what it said in the original texts, but whatever we think it should say to be consistent with the Gospel, as defined by us (God told us). And about the Book of Mormon, well, it might not be true, as in 'it really happened', but it still has inspiring stories. But we know it is true, too. At least for now.

9. We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God. Including stuff that contradicts the old stuff.

10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American Continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory. Well, we think we do. This all sounds a little crazy, so we don't talk about it much, certainly not to non-Mormons. In fact we'd probably deny it if we thought it would help get you baptized (again, see Article 2). It's in the scriptures, so it must be true.

11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may. Unless you are a Mormon, then we have a bunch of things you can and can't worship, certain places you can and can't go, certain things you can't talk about, and a lot of things can't do, and other you have to. But the members of the church are free to do/believe what they want. Unless they do/believe something we don't want them to. Then we excommunicate them and ostracize them as much as possible. And they are going to hell, and not the nice Mormon-Hell we mentioned in Article 5.

12. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law. Well, not all the laws. At least, not the laws against polygamy, unless they threaten to send troops. But now we obey that one, too. And if you can break a law to help get people baptized, that is probably okay, but don't get caught.

13. We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul--We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things, but never in Church meetings, where we stick to the lesson plan and are careful not to use any outside sources, because they might lead us astray. And we really mean that honest and true part. Stop laughing.