Why I'm Afraid I'll Make a Bad Catholic
I'm finding that I'm struggling over a few things that, could I master them, would definitely make me a "good Catholic."
I'm horrid with memorization. That's why I was bad in 11th Grade English, and why foreign languages are so hard for me. I still don't have the Apostle's Creed memorized. Heck, there are still parts of Mass that I cheat and look at my Magnificat to get the words. (The "Gloria" comes to mind.) I have this growing collection of prayer cards that I use to remember some of the most basic prayers. I want to go to Sacred Heart this weekend and get a handful of them and set them on my nightstand. For me, having the Holy Cards are comforting because that means that I don't have to memorize, I can just read. Plus I like the pictures.
I'm finding that the more involved I get in church, the more politics are involved. I've heard some quite interesting information about a few things going on "behind the scenes" at the churches I go to. On the one hand, I really like to feel like I'm in the loop, but on the other hand, I would kind of like to pretend that everything is super perfect for just a while longer before the curtain gets pulled back.
"GIVING IT UP"
I've been trying to really get a grasp of this concept all week. I can understand offering some things to the Lord, but it's hard for me to grasp the Opus Dei type mentality, "I'm offering up this scooping the litter box for you, Lord, in recognition of your suffering on the cross. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to do this smelly and annoying task!" I'm trying, I really am. I need to pray and think about it more, I think.
I keep forgetting to bless my food before I eat it. If nothing else, I need to get a Holy Card with the "after food" prayer so I can learn that one, so at least I give thanks even if I forget to do it until after I've eaten.
PRAYERS SAID AT A CERTAIN TIME
This is kind of along the same lines as the problem above. I try to say the Angelus at Noon and take a pause in my day at 3p to do a decade of Divine Mercy prayers (For the sake of His sorrowful passion, etc). Except I never remember until 12:40p, after lunch, or 3:45p. I want to do these things, they keep me grounded during the day and make me remember to keep Christ in my thoughts.
I don't know. I'm sure I'll get it all eventually. Maybe I'll retire to bed early this evening and say a nice, long personal prayer and just lay it all out for God. Maybe I just need to practice praying personal prayer tonight. That should help.